I think about what is happening and just wish that it was a bad dream. Yes, we signed up for this... but it doesn't make it any easier. Yes, I just have to make it 37 more days this first time... but that doesn't make it any easier.
And of course Levi just has to be his daddy's twin... right about now I wish he looked like me. So that when I kiss him the lump in my throat doesn't get bigger. I know it will get easier, but right now I can't even squeak out the "d" word in front of Levi... Daddy.
People say, "so you are used to this" when I explain how much time we have spent apart... but trust me... it NEVER gets any easier. They say, "at least you have Levi"... but he will NEVER replace my husband. And my favorite two things people say, "the time will fly by" and "you will be so busy with Levi you won't notice William's not there".... Really? Thanks, I'm aware of how fast the time will go by. When William gets home Levi will be 18 months old. I wish I could pause life so that William won't miss it all. And do you really think I won't notice that William isn't here? I'm not THAT busy. I have one child... not four... Levi isn't that time consuming. And seriously for the one millionth time... YES! I'm going back to work. I cannot sit at home all day... I understand that taking care of a child is not "sitting at home". But being at home is hard enough when I need/have to be here.
So, if you think about asking me "How do you do it?" Think again... Do I have a choice? Can I run away right now and not "do it"? How do you "do" hard things? There's your answer... that's how I do it.
And no, he won't be home for Christmas.
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