Easter Pictures

I've been keeping a secret...

Many of you know by now that we have been trying to get pregnant.  However, until this point I haven't publicly blogged about it.  I have been not-so-publicly blogging about it on a private blog I created to document our "adventure" into parenthood.

So why am I blogging about it now? Well, it's not because we are pregnant.  What? You thought this was my pregnancy announcement? Ha. Far from it.  It's my unpregnancy announcement.  Well sort of.  I chose today to "come out" about it because this week is National Infertility Awareness Week.

That's right... I said it... the I word.  Here's the part where you tell me we haven't been trying long enough, or that I need to relax, or that "it will happen when it is supposed to happen".  And here's the part where I tell you that those are myths and if you say those things to me I'll silently be thinking, "You have no idea how painful this disease is".

Here are the myths shattered (well at least the ones that I feel strongly about at this point):
1. We are 23 and 24 years old.  We ARE struggling with infertility.  No, it doesn't have to be after the age of 30. It happens to people in their 20's... I promise.
2.  We have been trying long enough.  Trust me.
3.  Just because my husband travels doesn't mean our infertility is because we haven't seen each other.  Don't believe me? I'll let you call my doctor.
4. If you open your mouth to say "You can always adopt"... you better think twice.  If you ask me if we will consider adoption, I have already developed a canned response for you.  (Not saying we wouldn't/aren't considering it... but seriously be more sensitive.) The sentiment is equivalent to saying "Oh, your grandmother died... well don't be sad, you still have another one."
5.  There isn't always a quick fix.  Everyone seems to know someone who has taken a magic pill that has helped them get pregnant.  But it's not always that easy.
6.  There is an upside to infertility-- Our marriage has been significantly strengthened by this trial.  William has been an amazing support to me and I can't thank him enough for all the selfless things he has done for me.  I can't imagine going through this with anyone else.

Just like when I blogged during MS Awareness Week, there are some facts I think you should be aware of:
1. 1 out of 8 couples will suffer from infertility.
2. One third is caused by a female factor, one third is caused by a male factor and one third is a combination of both... it's NOT a women's disease.
3. 44% of women with infertility seek medical assistance.  Of those women, only 65% will give birth.
4. Fertility treatments are most likely not covered by insurance.  Even if you have "good" insurance.  Our insurance company covers diagnostic testing... and then the money stops there.
5. Most recent statistics suggest that IVF from non-donor eggs is 28% successful in the US.  (OH and it costs $5-10K a cycle...see above fact for how much this sucks.)

So what can you do for us?
Just be supportive.
Recognize the side effects which are, but not limited to.... bitterness, depression, increased motivation, flakiness, mood swings, hot flashes, and spousal arguing among other things.
Understand that we are grieving.  We are finally reaching a place of peace about what we have been dealt but it's been a long hard road.
Respect our privacy.  This is a tough thing to deal with.  Many people do not share about this process at all.  I was somehow graced with the God-given trait of bearing-it-all but my husband was not.  We do talk about it but on our terms.  (Sorry we get to be selfish here.)
If we want your advice or your opinion, we will ask for it.
If you are pregnant, I don't mind listening to you complain... but I'm going to complain right back.  Because fertility treatments have many common side effects with pregnancy but don't end in the amazing reward of a child all that often.  :) Don't worry... I'm still happy for you!

Most importantly, remember that people without children aren't always that way because it's what they have chosen.  Sometimes it is because that is what life has dealt them.  


For more information, click the button below or visit the Resolve website.

For the most part, I will not blog about infertility here.  If something huge happens I'll share when it's appropriate... but for now... I'll spare you the details.

What the Heck?

Seriously....
I just got my day three lab results and they were normal.  I guess that's good? Although now I'm thoroughly confused about what might be causing my issues.

I want to be done with this.  I think we are both really at peace and okay with adoption, but we don't want to end up pregnant and in the middle of an adoption (although we both agreed we would continue to go through with the adoption regardless).  It's funny to be seriously talking about things like the race of our baby and open adoptions and ages we would be okay with.  We even discussed adopting from the state system and looked at sibling groups.  We agreed they would have to be young children like under 5... but we are pretty open to anything I think.

William won't admit it to others quite yet... but it's extremely clear that he wants a baby now.  He even mentioned to his supervisor that he is trying to "settle down".  So cute.

He went back to work today.  He wasn't thrilled but I made him aware that I am extremely grateful for him providing for our family.  Hopefully some new job opportunities will open up soon.  We keep trying and trying.  We are so ready.

So Stinking Excited!

Just splurged on a new camera lens.  It's a 35mm prime lens!  I can't wait to use it during Katie's wedding weekend!

We are enjoying our Easter weekend.  Yesterday after we rearranged everything we went to get William some new running shoes.  His were literally falling apart.  No bueno. I also bought my first pair of Toms.

I bought my cousin Shelby some for Christmas and I know that my aunt bought some soon after that.  It's just been a matter of time until I got some. Mine are actually vegan... meaning they weren't made with any animal products.  Which I guess is a good thing because I'd prefer not to wear animals on my feet. They also are made with pesticide free materials that are also all recycled.  And even better-- for every pair of shoes purchased you are actually buying another pair for someone in need.  They are a little awkward looking if you ask me... but comfort overrules and they come in fun colors and patterns.

I also bought a new splash guard for my Nalgene water bottle and a brush that fits inside it to clean it.  It you have ever tried to clean one of the bottles you recognize it is tough.  I also discovered that Whole Earth Provisions (where we got the Toms and water bottle stuff, next door to the place we got William's shoes - Run On!) sells replacement parts for Nalgenes and Camelbaks.  I appreciate this but wish I knew about it sooner.  I can't tell you how many Nalgenes I've ruined (in the dish washer) by melting the lid.  I also was worried when I bought my new Camelbak that it wouldn't last long because it has a straw and soft mouth piece.  But they sell replacements of all those things.  That's a lot better than buy a new Nalgene every time you melt the lid in the dish washer. Quite a money saver!

Updated at 7:15pm: I used our new "bottle cleaner" this evening and it was awesome.  It's sad how dirty my nalgene was... the bottom of it was white.  I think it was a build up of crystal light.  Gross... It's a good thing I didn't die of drinking moldy crystal light build up.  Then I used it on every narrow necked kitchen item in our apartment! It's awesome! Buy one! 

Today we went to church with Megan, the boys, Aunt Tricia and Uncle Red. Then we had some lunch and hunted eggs.

Now we are lounging on the couch.  We are going on a little run this afternoon. Should be a good day overall!

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

This weekend William called me the slave driver.  We cleaned and organized and rearranged almost the entire apartment!


Old Dresser (that relocated to our guest closet)                And the New Dresser!

    

Dining room table (relocated to my cousin Megan's house)         Our new reading nook!

 

Old squished living room furniture

 

New less squished furniture with pictures!

New Plan

There may be some blog renaming going on around here.

William and I discussed it and have made a new plan after getting his test results back.

We are going to do IUI once or twice if the urologist and ob-gyn think that it's even an option.

After that... that's it.  No IVF for us.  No egg retrieval.  No donor insemination.

We will start the adoption process if IUI is not an option or we are not successful in one or two attempts.

We have both decided that we do not want the pain associated with the insemination processes to eat up all of our energy.  We'd rather be putting our time in money into something we know will eventually be successful.

I'm finally starting to feel at peace.

Rewarding

William is home!
It's been wonderful.  I love him so much and I'm so glad that he's home with me.

When he got home on Wednesday we went to Papasitos because it's the closest thing to Escalante's in Dallas. Thursday I took William on a surprise date! We went to BJ's for dinner and then to the Improv Comedy place to see Christopher Titus.  It was a great show! We love comedians and I like that Chris Titus isn't too inappropriate.  William liked his surprised.  Friday was my school carnival.  Jonna, Bryan, William and I all went and wasted money  supported Spring Creek by eating too much cotton candy and failing miserably at winning a 2-liter bottle of soda by way of a ring toss. I had to work a shift at the welcome table... even though I worked the last shift and it turned out to be more of a good-bye table.

This weekend we ran (me 14 miles and William 6... yes... I beat him... no wait... I more than doubled him), bought a dresser, went to dinner with friends, went to church, and went shopping at the mall.

It was a great weekend doing normal things!

I had another extremely successful day of shopping.  So successful William almost convinced me to spend way too much money.  He is such a bad influence on my spending! Needless to say when I realized how many dress sizes I have dropped (2... count them... 2!), I went home and tried on almost every piece of clothing in my closet.  I fit into every dress I own again! Every single one! William says it's like I bought 14 dresses today! :)

I'm so happy with my progress... even though I know I'll probably gain weight this week (because William is also a bad influence on my waistline) I know I'm headed in the right direction.  I've lost a ton of inches and that is priceless!

Daddy brought home new toys...

What Not To Do!

Found this online and really liked it.

Infertility Etiquette

Infertility Etiquette
By Vita Alligood
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF
Don’t offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make.

If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.

A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.

Don't Play Doctor
Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive.
Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.

You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.

Don't Make Jokes
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" or “you can have my kid!” are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to anyone else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Bring Up Adoption 
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another. Especially if your friend is in the midst of a treatment cycle or IVF cycle...the last thing she wants to hear is that you've already given up hope that she will conceive with that cycle. Once you bring up adoption, she feels like you have already moved on and don't believe she will conceive on her own. That is very hurtful.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby. Let her go down that road when she is ready...you can't decide for her when she is ready.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
___________________________________________________________________________

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you simply care....it's really that simple, you don't need to say anything else. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Insurance

While I was redoing my filing cabinet tonight I read out medical policy...
Our policy only covers diagnostic testing and medications related directly to the cause of infertility.

Among the things absolutely NOT covered are:
IVF, IUI, artificial insemination, embryo transfers, and everything else we may need to do.

Success!

Jonna and I had girls night last night and went shopping.
I've never been so happy to try on clothes in my life.  Well except when shopping for wedding dresses... but even then one of the sale people made me cry.

I texted William a warning message. It was something like "I'm going shopping... watch out". He appreciated it!

I bought 1 pair of Ann Taylor Loft Shorts (that slipped right on with no fighting or tugging and I showed no evidence of love handles!), an Ann Taylor Loft Dress, a pair of cheap Old Navy jeans (because mine are too big and I'm not buying expensive ones until I drop some more weight), an awesome Lululemon running tank top, and Lululemon running shorts!

It was awesome to run in a sleeveless shirt this morning... the sales lady was right... once you go sleeveless there's no going back.

Also it was even more awesome to come and put on smaller jeans!

Now off to Austin where hopefully I won't eat too much food or drink too much alcohol!

Yay!

A List

• I survived 5th grade math and reading TAKS this week.  If you have lived in Texas ever... okay well in the past 18 years... you know that we are notorious for our standardized testing.  Our kids think we are doing it to punish them... but every school employee knows it's really to punish the teachers. I swear... it is complete torture. I'm so excited about "Big TAKS" in late April with 3rd-6th grades. NOT.
• I've been running like a maniac.  My Running Stats page is up to date! I have enjoyed seeing my improvements both in speed, stamina and waist size.  If you think I'm kidding about the waist size... think again. 2.5 pounds down and many many inches toned up already! I'll be running on Thursday and on Saturday... and I'm super excited about it. 
• Saturday I'm going to Austin to go to my cousins bachelorette party! I'm super excited.  There is NOTHING like a Robey party.  Last time (in December for Mere's wedding) I didn't take my camera because I was afraid of carrying it on 6th Street... but I think this time I will.  We need to document.  It's one of the last Robey girl's parties because none of the others are really close to marrying age!
• I'm also starting to prepare for William's homecoming! I can't wait to see him! I'm going to try to have the apartment all clean before he gets home.  I'm not sure why I'm putting myself through that because he is going to walk through the door and dump his junk allllll over the place.  I just know it. Ugh.
• We are going to have 10 days to act married before William returns to work.  We are going to try to make the most of it.  We have so many things we want to do... fun date night (that I've already planned but the agenda is a secret to William), visit the Arboretum, hang out at Top Golf, go to the Dallas Farmer's Market, get brunch on the weekend at Sangria's and sit on the patio and drink mimosas, and go to the Spring Fling at my school. It's going to be fun!

Grieving

I'm feeling a little tired and sad this afternoon.
I found out that another friend of ours (one of William's buddies from the corps) is pregnant.
I hate that I keep just complaining and complaining.  I keep looking for the positive.  But I'm honestly having some trouble seeing the silver lining.  I want it to be my turn.  I'm tired of having to throw on a big smile and congratulate people.  I am happy for them... really... it's just so hard to show it when you are hurting as much as I am on the inside.

At first the "trying" helped William and I and our relationship.  It gave us a really good reason to get with the picture about what makes each of us happy in bed.  However... now we know that and the reality of the situation has set in.  I feel like at first we were just trying and not succeeding and then we were getting some help and hoping and now I feel like we are truly dealing with the big fat I word....
infertility.

The truth of the matter is... infertility is probably worse on a marriage than distance.  I mean distance doesn't help the matter.  But with distance, communication makes it better and there are tangible things you can do to pass the time and get the relationship through it.  With infertility... you are completely powerless. And beyond that you are told to "wait". Plus there are all the what ifs and whys and whens that weigh on you constantly.  And not to mention the guilt... oh the guilt.  Add to that a large helping of husband that doesn't understand why I'm so sad and you've got yourself a marriage conflict.

Am I wrong for being so upset? Should I just be happy with what I have and realize that William can make me happy? I mean I know that is true... but some small part of me feels like my life won't be complete if I don't have a child.  Is that horrible of me?

I am overwhelmed.  Just the thought of the three letter treatments send my head into a spin.  IUI. IVF. HSG. FSH. HGC. Ugh. I picked up a book on infertility treatments and just about had a heart attack.  The whole thing is just so involved.  I saw an example of the pre-IVF med schedules most clinics use and it's terrifying.  Color coded for time of day, injection site, medicine, dosage. I also know this is really getting into my head when I literally have to turn off a TV show (Grey's Anatomy) because one of the characters is pregnant and gets hurt and it literally makes me ball just thinking about losing a pregnancy.

I'm going to keep up this healthy trend.  Seriously.  Hopefully it will help. But I also don't want to go that overboard.  I know some girls who have literally changed everything in their life in an attempt to get pregnant.  I guess I just feel like if it's not going to work with my life the way it is now then it's not going to work.  I'm hoping to have lost about 2.5lbs. total by this week.  I've definitely lost some weight.  I can feel it in my jeans.

Anyways, I just don't know what to do or think anymore. And I'm tried of making William angry.  Not that I'm doing it intentionally... but I have baby on the brain and it won't go away.  No matter how much he wants it to. I know he just doesn't want me to be sad.  But I can't just "forget about it". That's like forgetting that you failed a class.  Or forgetting you got fired. Or forgetting your pet died.  It just doesn't happen that easily.  And every time you move a little bit past it something sets you back.

I've now changed the title of this post 3 times.  First it was "A little sad and tired" then it was "doubt" but I think I've finally nailed down the subject.  I'm pretty sure I just talked through all the stages of grieving in one post. Well except I was never in denial.  Quite the opposite actually.  Maybe William is embodying that stage for me.

Have you seen this video?

If you haven't seen this video... you have to watch it.
Such a good example of normal language development.  I often times forget how AWESOME it is to watch kids develop language.  I get to see it all of the time (but not always normally). I love how the inflection and prosody are spot on.  We may not know what they are saying... but they sure do! I also can't help but wonder if some twin language is being used.  It is fabled that twins share a special bond and sometimes a special language... we may never know for sure... but this is definitely quite involved, even for normally developing kiddos.

Enjoy!

I'm shocked

Last I checked I ran 12 miles with my LEGS not my arms.  I would never guess by how sore my arms are today.  It's insane.  I guess that implies I got a full body work out.  I'll take it.

I almost ran...

... a half marathon today... only 1 mile short.
... 30 miles this week.
... until I couldn't run anymore.
... enough.  But not quite...