The Two Pink Lines That Disappeared

It's amazing how much can change in a week.

A week and a half ago I declared my secondary infertility.
Exactly a week after that we found out we were actually pregnant.
Friday I wrote this post on Baby Stephens #2.
And here I am today... already having to tell that baby goodbye.

My hcg levels dropped on Friday from 46 (Wednesday) to 36. After intense back pain the past two days I figured something was wrong. I finally broke down and called the on call doctor this afternoon. She gave me the results of the blood work and told me I was miscarrying. I had also been taking pregnancy tests and they have been showing up lighter and lighter until they became negative this morning.

I don't know what else to say. I'm devastated. Infertility is definitely easier to handle than losing a baby. Even though it was only a tiny group of cells it was still our baby. We were already making plans.

The thing that sucks the most about miscarriage is that finding out isn't the end of it. I haven't even physically miscarried yet even though the pregnancy isn't viable. So now it's just a waiting game. And then after that... I don't know. It's easy to see a negative test one cycle and just try try try again the next month. But now that I know this pain, it makes is so much harder.

Okay, now that I've written this... gotten it off my chest...it's time to scrape myself off the floor. Staying in bed all day doesn't make a good mother and it definitely won't help me be a mother again.

Secondary Infertility - Some Myths, Some Lies, and Some Truths

The last time I blogged about our fertility journey, I did it privately and later made it public. While I might still blog all the gory details over here again, there are a few posts that I think need to be public. Partly for me and partly for everyone else. (So people will understand how I'm feeling and maybe be understanding with someone else in this same position).

MYTHS
1. We have a child which means we could easily have another child if we wanted to.
2. It's easy to get pregnant the second time around.
3. People who had fertility issues the first time around but had a child don't actually have fertility issues.
4. William hasn't been home long enough for us to know if we are having problems.
5. I should wait until we have tried for a year to get help.

LIES
1. We aren't ready to have another child.
2. We would be perfectly happy if Levi was an only child.
3. We WANT Levi to be an only child.

THE TRUTH
The truth is that we are heading down that road again. It has already started to be incredibly painful for me to see the excitement of "big sister/big brother" announcements surrounding me. As much as I tried to ignore the signs that something was going on, each month of Levi's life that ticks by just makes it more painfully aware that until at least after September of 2014 Levi will be an only child. Let me just say that I feel like this time is worse. I know EXACTLY what I'm getting myself into. Blood work 2-3 times a month, internal ultrasounds (my fav), clomid craziness (and trust me... it is CARRAZY!), counting days, the dreaded two week wait. And I know exactly what I'm missing. Those sweet pregnancy symptoms, excitement about the gender, feeling the movements, having my heart/love grow infinitely for a tiny being I've never met.

Ugh. Even writing this makes me feel sick. I met with a doctor last week. We discussed the "plan". Things have been set into motion. In reality, the months until the end of this are numbered. William and I already know that IVF isn't for us. So if we can't conjure another miracle Clomid baby we will begin filling out adoption applications.

So, if you think Levi needs a sibling, you aren't the only one. William and I agree whole heartedly.

Our family photos

 In case you missed them... Here are some family photos from after William got home!

Breaking the Silence

It has been almost 4 months since I've written here. I never really intended on taking a break but it just happened. After a year of blogging on Levi's blog I was so burnt out. It had definitely become a chore to write, but I was doing it for William.  It paid off though. It was one of my favorite accomplishments of the year. Sometimes I even catch William flipping back through the posts now that he's home. That means something huge to me.... especially since it took William a long time to understand why I blogged.

Anyways, here I am, here we are. William has been home almost 9 weeks. It has been amazing and a whole new breed of stressful all at the same time. William still hasn't returned to work... but more on that another day.

Today I want to talk about a few things. Things that I want to talk about... and things I need to blog about. William will tell you (now that he understands) that sometimes I just need to write here to get things off my chest... and out in the open. I prefer when things are in the open. When I keep things on the inside they eat me up. So here we go...

1. My job
I love my job. I finally feel successful and like I'm making a difference. I got a raise today. That is all.

2. Levi
Oh man, I will have to write a few other posts to catch y'all up on him, but he is an awesome little boy. Pictures, words lists, full update coming soon.

3. Number 2
No, I'm not getting redundant. I don't mean Number 2 in my list of things to talk about. I mean child Number 2. Like Levi's younger sibling. No, there is no little sibling yet. But we are definitely talking about it and hoping that something is in the works. We've been "trying" basically since William got home. And unfortunately my "infertile" past is already haunting me. Dealing with infertility makes no one happy. It makes me a grumpy wife, an impatient mother and a terrible friend. You might say, "but you have a baby".... but it doesn't matter. We tried to get pregnant for over a year last time. I'm just not sure I can go through all of that again. Seriously. So I'm not sure where that leaves us. Me not wanting to go through this but yet us wanting another child soon. If anyone is interested in giving us a large sum of money so that we can adopt let me know. Until then... as William says... here we go again.

Our precious boy

I'm so in love with our son.
He is such a cute sweet boy.
He is amazingly happy and full of so much personality and life.

He loves smiling and laughing and reading.

This is his favorite book. It sings "He's Got The Whole World In His Hands"

He has a silly way of running, arms flailing.

He loves dogs, loves to talk about dogs, loves to bark like a dog, loves to hug dogs, he really loves dogs.

His favorite two words are "outside" and "buckle". He says them "ousiiiii" and "uckle, uckle, uckle".

He likes to sing "E-I-E-I-O" loudly, at the top of his lungs.

He laughs constantly and says "uh-oh" whenever he hears something "fall" even if it was on purpose or not really falling at all.

He has 8 teeth.

Every piece of hair he has is BRIGHT RED!

He wears 18-24 month clothing and size 6 shoes.

He likes to climb the stairs like an adult, and he's pretty good at it.

His newest word is 'night-night' and 'fall down'.

He follows one and some two step commands like a champ.

He has learned how to unbuckle himself from the school high chair and he likes putting lids on things.

Oh, my, he's so adorable!

You know you are behind on blogging when...

You realize your blog background is still "Christmas-y".

Whoops.

Finally starting to get a little more "home" like

Here are some pictures of the new house. 

The walls are all the same color, but the flash vs. no flash makes a big difference. In person it is definitely gray. 

 Living room... pile of stuff in the corner is going to live at my brother's house as soon as he comes to get it. Well... not the speakers, but the tables.

 Newly installed "mud room" area. It is much needed. So thankful to have hooks to hang our bags on to keep "little hands" out of them! (Ignore the vacuum. I didn't feeling like moving it.)

 Dining room... dining room table is the "Frame" staging area.

Color under the chair rail is really growing on me!

Kitchen... which looks like 20 years  younger with a coat of paint. Next on my to-do list is replace the 20 year old dishwasher.

 Banister looks awesome now. Up next, painting that ugly yellow hall way at the top of the stairs!

I'm thinking of putting shelbes on either side of the tv and maybe a big long architectural looking mirror above the TV... thoughts?

Army Wives

United we stand

It was cold!

What up! I made it down alive!

Team 5 H Ladies, going down as a group! 

I really can't put my weekend into words. I am truly speechless. These women are amazing. Each one of us has our own struggles and heartbreak, we have crazy lives that we left at home, all to unite around the idea of being strong and united for our husbands. I'm especially fond of the three women in the last picture. Their husbands are all with William, on the same team. Our guys have lived together since June. So feeling close to these women is like feeling closer to William. Prior to this weekend we had met one or two times, but after this weekend I know we have a bond stronger than most could understand. It's a funny thing being around a bunch of military wives. We all sit with our cellphones in one hand talking to each other. It's not unusual for us to be texting, skyping, facetiming while having conversations with each other... Many of us walked from room to room in the hotel carrying phone chargers. You don't have to explain why you left your makeup bag on the counter at your mom's. No one has to ask you twice if you want a drink or can't wait to sleep in. Hugs are free... and expected. Tears roll when ever they feel like it.  Sex jokes (or lack there of) roll off our tongues freely. We didn't have to explain acronyms, answer stupid questions, keep half of our lives a secret. We laughed, we ate candy, we gossiped, we cried, we slept (past 7 am), we danced, we sang, we hugged, we made friends... We understood each other. 

Thank God for these women!

Also, thanks to my mom for keeping Levi and to my dad for continuing the work on our new house while I was away.