I found out that another friend of ours (one of William's buddies from the corps) is pregnant.
I hate that I keep just complaining and complaining. I keep looking for the positive. But I'm honestly having some trouble seeing the silver lining. I want it to be my turn. I'm tired of having to throw on a big smile and congratulate people. I am happy for them... really... it's just so hard to show it when you are hurting as much as I am on the inside.
At first the "trying" helped William and I and our relationship. It gave us a really good reason to get with the picture about what makes each of us happy in bed. However... now we know that and the reality of the situation has set in. I feel like at first we were just trying and not succeeding and then we were getting some help and hoping and now I feel like we are truly dealing with the big fat I word....
infertility.
The truth of the matter is... infertility is probably worse on a marriage than distance. I mean distance doesn't help the matter. But with distance, communication makes it better and there are tangible things you can do to pass the time and get the relationship through it. With infertility... you are completely powerless. And beyond that you are told to "wait". Plus there are all the what ifs and whys and whens that weigh on you constantly. And not to mention the guilt... oh the guilt. Add to that a large helping of husband that doesn't understand why I'm so sad and you've got yourself a marriage conflict.
Am I wrong for being so upset? Should I just be happy with what I have and realize that William can make me happy? I mean I know that is true... but some small part of me feels like my life won't be complete if I don't have a child. Is that horrible of me?
I am overwhelmed. Just the thought of the three letter treatments send my head into a spin. IUI. IVF. HSG. FSH. HGC. Ugh. I picked up a book on infertility treatments and just about had a heart attack. The whole thing is just so involved. I saw an example of the pre-IVF med schedules most clinics use and it's terrifying. Color coded for time of day, injection site, medicine, dosage. I also know this is really getting into my head when I literally have to turn off a TV show (Grey's Anatomy) because one of the characters is pregnant and gets hurt and it literally makes me ball just thinking about losing a pregnancy.
I'm going to keep up this healthy trend. Seriously. Hopefully it will help. But I also don't want to go that overboard. I know some girls who have literally changed everything in their life in an attempt to get pregnant. I guess I just feel like if it's not going to work with my life the way it is now then it's not going to work. I'm hoping to have lost about 2.5lbs. total by this week. I've definitely lost some weight. I can feel it in my jeans.
Anyways, I just don't know what to do or think anymore. And I'm tried of making William angry. Not that I'm doing it intentionally... but I have baby on the brain and it won't go away. No matter how much he wants it to. I know he just doesn't want me to be sad. But I can't just "forget about it". That's like forgetting that you failed a class. Or forgetting you got fired. Or forgetting your pet died. It just doesn't happen that easily. And every time you move a little bit past it something sets you back.
I've now changed the title of this post 3 times. First it was "A little sad and tired" then it was "doubt" but I think I've finally nailed down the subject. I'm pretty sure I just talked through all the stages of grieving in one post. Well except I was never in denial. Quite the opposite actually. Maybe William is embodying that stage for me.
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