A week and a half ago I declared my secondary infertility.
Exactly a week after that we found out we were actually pregnant.
Friday I wrote this post on Baby Stephens #2.
And here I am today... already having to tell that baby goodbye.
My hcg levels dropped on Friday from 46 (Wednesday) to 36. After intense back pain the past two days I figured something was wrong. I finally broke down and called the on call doctor this afternoon. She gave me the results of the blood work and told me I was miscarrying. I had also been taking pregnancy tests and they have been showing up lighter and lighter until they became negative this morning.
I don't know what else to say. I'm devastated. Infertility is definitely easier to handle than losing a baby. Even though it was only a tiny group of cells it was still our baby. We were already making plans.
The thing that sucks the most about miscarriage is that finding out isn't the end of it. I haven't even physically miscarried yet even though the pregnancy isn't viable. So now it's just a waiting game. And then after that... I don't know. It's easy to see a negative test one cycle and just try try try again the next month. But now that I know this pain, it makes is so much harder.
Okay, now that I've written this... gotten it off my chest...it's time to scrape myself off the floor. Staying in bed all day doesn't make a good mother and it definitely won't help me be a mother again.
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