Insurance

While I was redoing my filing cabinet tonight I read out medical policy...
Our policy only covers diagnostic testing and medications related directly to the cause of infertility.

Among the things absolutely NOT covered are:
IVF, IUI, artificial insemination, embryo transfers, and everything else we may need to do.

Success!

Jonna and I had girls night last night and went shopping.
I've never been so happy to try on clothes in my life.  Well except when shopping for wedding dresses... but even then one of the sale people made me cry.

I texted William a warning message. It was something like "I'm going shopping... watch out". He appreciated it!

I bought 1 pair of Ann Taylor Loft Shorts (that slipped right on with no fighting or tugging and I showed no evidence of love handles!), an Ann Taylor Loft Dress, a pair of cheap Old Navy jeans (because mine are too big and I'm not buying expensive ones until I drop some more weight), an awesome Lululemon running tank top, and Lululemon running shorts!

It was awesome to run in a sleeveless shirt this morning... the sales lady was right... once you go sleeveless there's no going back.

Also it was even more awesome to come and put on smaller jeans!

Now off to Austin where hopefully I won't eat too much food or drink too much alcohol!

Yay!

A List

• I survived 5th grade math and reading TAKS this week.  If you have lived in Texas ever... okay well in the past 18 years... you know that we are notorious for our standardized testing.  Our kids think we are doing it to punish them... but every school employee knows it's really to punish the teachers. I swear... it is complete torture. I'm so excited about "Big TAKS" in late April with 3rd-6th grades. NOT.
• I've been running like a maniac.  My Running Stats page is up to date! I have enjoyed seeing my improvements both in speed, stamina and waist size.  If you think I'm kidding about the waist size... think again. 2.5 pounds down and many many inches toned up already! I'll be running on Thursday and on Saturday... and I'm super excited about it. 
• Saturday I'm going to Austin to go to my cousins bachelorette party! I'm super excited.  There is NOTHING like a Robey party.  Last time (in December for Mere's wedding) I didn't take my camera because I was afraid of carrying it on 6th Street... but I think this time I will.  We need to document.  It's one of the last Robey girl's parties because none of the others are really close to marrying age!
• I'm also starting to prepare for William's homecoming! I can't wait to see him! I'm going to try to have the apartment all clean before he gets home.  I'm not sure why I'm putting myself through that because he is going to walk through the door and dump his junk allllll over the place.  I just know it. Ugh.
• We are going to have 10 days to act married before William returns to work.  We are going to try to make the most of it.  We have so many things we want to do... fun date night (that I've already planned but the agenda is a secret to William), visit the Arboretum, hang out at Top Golf, go to the Dallas Farmer's Market, get brunch on the weekend at Sangria's and sit on the patio and drink mimosas, and go to the Spring Fling at my school. It's going to be fun!

Grieving

I'm feeling a little tired and sad this afternoon.
I found out that another friend of ours (one of William's buddies from the corps) is pregnant.
I hate that I keep just complaining and complaining.  I keep looking for the positive.  But I'm honestly having some trouble seeing the silver lining.  I want it to be my turn.  I'm tired of having to throw on a big smile and congratulate people.  I am happy for them... really... it's just so hard to show it when you are hurting as much as I am on the inside.

At first the "trying" helped William and I and our relationship.  It gave us a really good reason to get with the picture about what makes each of us happy in bed.  However... now we know that and the reality of the situation has set in.  I feel like at first we were just trying and not succeeding and then we were getting some help and hoping and now I feel like we are truly dealing with the big fat I word....
infertility.

The truth of the matter is... infertility is probably worse on a marriage than distance.  I mean distance doesn't help the matter.  But with distance, communication makes it better and there are tangible things you can do to pass the time and get the relationship through it.  With infertility... you are completely powerless. And beyond that you are told to "wait". Plus there are all the what ifs and whys and whens that weigh on you constantly.  And not to mention the guilt... oh the guilt.  Add to that a large helping of husband that doesn't understand why I'm so sad and you've got yourself a marriage conflict.

Am I wrong for being so upset? Should I just be happy with what I have and realize that William can make me happy? I mean I know that is true... but some small part of me feels like my life won't be complete if I don't have a child.  Is that horrible of me?

I am overwhelmed.  Just the thought of the three letter treatments send my head into a spin.  IUI. IVF. HSG. FSH. HGC. Ugh. I picked up a book on infertility treatments and just about had a heart attack.  The whole thing is just so involved.  I saw an example of the pre-IVF med schedules most clinics use and it's terrifying.  Color coded for time of day, injection site, medicine, dosage. I also know this is really getting into my head when I literally have to turn off a TV show (Grey's Anatomy) because one of the characters is pregnant and gets hurt and it literally makes me ball just thinking about losing a pregnancy.

I'm going to keep up this healthy trend.  Seriously.  Hopefully it will help. But I also don't want to go that overboard.  I know some girls who have literally changed everything in their life in an attempt to get pregnant.  I guess I just feel like if it's not going to work with my life the way it is now then it's not going to work.  I'm hoping to have lost about 2.5lbs. total by this week.  I've definitely lost some weight.  I can feel it in my jeans.

Anyways, I just don't know what to do or think anymore. And I'm tried of making William angry.  Not that I'm doing it intentionally... but I have baby on the brain and it won't go away.  No matter how much he wants it to. I know he just doesn't want me to be sad.  But I can't just "forget about it". That's like forgetting that you failed a class.  Or forgetting you got fired. Or forgetting your pet died.  It just doesn't happen that easily.  And every time you move a little bit past it something sets you back.

I've now changed the title of this post 3 times.  First it was "A little sad and tired" then it was "doubt" but I think I've finally nailed down the subject.  I'm pretty sure I just talked through all the stages of grieving in one post. Well except I was never in denial.  Quite the opposite actually.  Maybe William is embodying that stage for me.

Have you seen this video?

If you haven't seen this video... you have to watch it.
Such a good example of normal language development.  I often times forget how AWESOME it is to watch kids develop language.  I get to see it all of the time (but not always normally). I love how the inflection and prosody are spot on.  We may not know what they are saying... but they sure do! I also can't help but wonder if some twin language is being used.  It is fabled that twins share a special bond and sometimes a special language... we may never know for sure... but this is definitely quite involved, even for normally developing kiddos.

Enjoy!