A New Kind of Burn

This weekend I experienced a new kind of burn.  Well actually two new kinds.  It's the kind where someone who knows our entire situation, or has been someone I've confided in since the beginning says something not so nice... or gets pregnant... or maybe was pregnant when I was confiding in them. Ouch.

Some people are so supportive... some people's wives are not.  I'm thankful that William at least has someone to talk to... even if his wife is a total dummy about it.

And then I find out this morning that a couple is in our Sunday School Class is pregnant.  The wife is a total sweetheart and at a Sunday School function I confided in her about things.  When I came out on facebook, she was very supportive.  Finding out today that she was pregnant that whole time...Ouch. I mean I know she obviously meant well by being supportive.  But it makes the "I can imagine how hard it must be" seem so shallow now.

I've officially entered the baby blues stage.  I've held back tears this cycle until this weekend.  I cried to William telling him how sorry I am.  We were at a Catholic wedding this weekend which apparently brings out the baby fever in everyone.  There were comments left and right about starting families.  For once I felt like I wasn't the only one dodging them.  William was right in the middle too.  Which is why I apologized so much later on.

Everyone is pregnant.  I can't turn around with out seeing someone pregnant.  How come I never noticed this before? William has started warning me... "Don't turn around" or "Watch out behind you, there is a lady with twins in highchairs and is pregnant".  He notices too.  I'm not sure what hurts more.  The pang of emptiness I feel wash over me or the pang of sadness from him being aware now.

It has been a year.  Not to the day... but in June last year I stopped taking my birth control.  We were nervous and scared but hopeful.  I've managed to hang on to hope.  I also realize that it's easier because I haven't lost a baby yet.  When we entered this journey, we were fully aware that losing a baby would probably be on our plate.  My medical conditions will affect staying pregnant.  Now that we are in it, knowing how hard it has been to get pregnant, losing a baby seems like it will be the worst.

So here we are buying a big ole house... just hoping to fill it up.  I hope it's not jinxing our selves.  William and I decided that whatever the status of my ovaries and uterus in December we will start the adoption process.  We should be settled into our home by then and ready to set up house for a baby... which I think is the hardest thing about adoption. (Setting up your house before everything is official).  Someone... please promise me that I can have a baby shower even if I never get pregnant.  I mean you know if we adopt an infant.  I'm sure that sounds so selfish and materialistic.  But I can't help it.  It's something I think about all the time.

Okay... time to pick myself up off the floor... I have things to get done today.

Peyton