Ugh

For every person who thinks it's hilarious to fake a pregnancy as an April Fool's joke... there are probably a few people who thinks it's horrible.

If only they knew how much it hurts to know you can't even joke about it... because it's not even possible.

Running Check In

If you haven't checked out my running stats page in a few days... you should.

I am newly determined to lose weight... to help with some other health issues I've got going on (you know in addition to all my usual ones) and because who doesn't want to look skinny during wedding season!

So I'm back running with a vengeance.  So far this week I've run close to 12 miles.
I'm going to run again on Thursday and also this Saturday.

I'm feeling good about it.  And William is really trying to be supportive.

I'm serious

So here is the deal...
I take my job seriously.  And I should.

I am not a doctor, or a nurse, or the president, or an investment banker... but I have a lot of responsibility.

I always knew that my job was important, but I never realized how much power I held until... well today, I guess.

Today I qualified a child for special education services. She will receive modified instruction in the public school system and most likely continue receiving modified instruction for the rest of her school career... because of this she will only be eligible for junior college and an associate's degree. That's important.
And yes-- it was an "ARD committee" decision... but I played a huge part in that decision.  The other members listen to what I say. Parents place their children's education in my hands.

I also dismissed a child from services today.  He "graduated" from speech services.  His parents were thankful (even though I got him when the hard work was done).  When he was first placed in special education at the age of 3 he was completely unintelligible.

Tomorrow I will tell a parent that their child can no longer remain in the general education classroom.  She needs a more restrictive environment. She is not making progress in the general education curriculum and needs to work on "prerequisite" skills. It will be a tough one but it's necessary.

I will also fight for some kids who are falling through the cracks tomorrow.  One of them several people above me feel should be moved to a more restrictive environment... but I'm not so sure. Because of this I will fight to make sure that every thing is tried before we get to that point.

I also did therapy today. I watched a kiddo's eyes light up when he understood a story.  I watched a kiddo that normally hates coming to therapy run to his chair and quickly open the book to the page we left off on last time.  He even volunteered to read... he can barely read.

Sometimes I forget how important what I do is.  I feel like the "new girl".  And people think I'm just a "teacher" - not that teacher's aren't great... I'm just not just a teacher. I have to be careful... because I hold kiddos' futures in my hand.

That's pretty awesome.  And I take it very seriously.

Getting Things Done Sunday

Here's my to do list... Lack of motivation has made me resort to publicly posting it... so that hopefully I'll be more accountable to getting it done.

1. Run   Done... I ran 3.1 miles already.  So thankful that I did.
2. Fold all the clothes... There are piles... ugh... that's what traveling does to someone.  Check.
3. Put away the above folded clothes.
4. File... and get all of last years files packed up so I have more room in the filing cabinet.
5. Clean and vaccum
6. Get my meals organized for this week
7. Do some paperwork

These probably won't get accomplished today... but numbers 2,3,6 and 7 must!

Second Opinion

Yesterday I got a second opinion on my infertility issues.

I saw a nice doctor who apparently trained my old doctor... At first I was like "Oh good, how can he be better if he trained her".  But apparently she forgot everything he taught her.

It was a very hard visit.  I'm getting tired of going to these things alone.

We talked about everything that has happened thus far.  He pointed out the many flaws in my recent treatment and exactly why we should be doing things differently.

Then the worst part... I had a sonogram.  Part of me was hoping he'd put my body up on the screen and there would be a little "bean" swimming around in there.  But there wasn't. There actually wasn't anything in there.  No uterine lining, no follicles on my ovaries... just big FAT nothing.  It hurt so bad to look at this screen that will one day show my my baby and see nothing.  He printed out several pictures... seeing them print hurt even more.  Those pictures are supposed to be happy things.  They are supposed to be full of hope.  But mine weren't.  Mine were just documentation of my "ineffective clomid regimen".  His words, not mine.  I normally can hold it together at the doctor... but I fought with tears the whole appointment.

So here is our plan:
1) Sperm Analysis.  Let me tell you... William. is. thrilled.
It makes sense though.  Basically if we are going to drop several grand on every attempt at getting pregnant we don't want to just be throwing money down the drain... or umm... into my uterus.

2) Day 3 AND Day 21 labs.
Up until this point I've only been doing Day 21 labs. Apparently those were a waste of my time at this point. Day 3 labs include FSH, TSH, and prolactin.  These will tell us if my pituitary gland and thyroid are working right.

3)HSG- hysterosalpingogram.  Sounds fun right?
This is an x-ray where radioactive dye is shot into the uterus and forced up the fallopian tubes.  It will show if there are any anatomical anomalies in the uterus and fallopian tubes.  We are going to put this off for a little bit because it's apparently "uncomfortable" and this type of defect only affects 5% of women struggling with infertility.

We talked about all the reasons why this could be happening. Things like RA, birth control, stress, and body weight.  He said we would probably never know.

I'm going to try to eliminate one of those problems though.  Right now my BMI is around 29... which is pretty high.  So I'm going to start seriously tracking what I'm eating. My goal is to lose 25 lbs... maybe 30 if everything goes well.  I want to lose 15 lbs. by my birthday.  I'm sure I can do it... I think I lost 10 just by running the past few months. I don't want to be the reason I'm not pregnant. That would suck.

We also discussed how William's traveling coupled with infertility could really hinder us getting pregnant.  He suggested that we might look into storing sperm for when William wasn't home and I am ovulating.  Sort of seems insane that I would get pregnant when William isn't even around... but I guess if that's how it has to happen then that's fine.

I'll update again soon with how things are going... but for right now I'm just going to be relaxing and waiting for William to get home so we can do the sperm analysis.  After that we are going to consult and make up a new plan.

William was supportive yesterday despite it being his birthday.  I asked him if he was glad that we found this out now... he said he was. I know he was always a little hesitant to start this process but I think now we are both really glad we did.